His Presence Made Known

"Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails."

Proverbs 19:21

Like us all, I cannot pretend to know how or why God ordains things to happen & occur as they
do. However, I cannot help but be full of praise over these last couple of unexpected days of respite that have been such a gift prior to our embarking on this trip to Cameroon, Africa.

Praise that we received notice that our flight had been cancelled before we ventured onto I-25! Due to the spring blizzard that dumped approximately 8-10 inches of snow, we now have flights out on Friday, March 25th. I have been so thankful for this spot of time. Not only has it allowed more time since the Brussel bombings occurred, & for all of Europe to hopefully settle down a bit, but it has  also allowed our oldest, who is a part of the trip, time to heal & men from being sick. Praise that she has received doctor's clearance to remain a part of the trip, that it is not strep or mono or the flu.  Praise that, as of this evening, she is fever-free & on the mend. 

Praise for His Presence being made known in our lives. Praise for God's protection in all things & how He has answered the cry of my heart from 2 Timothy 1:7 & 12. Tuesday evening I was praying for a spirit of power vs timidity (I must not be as brave as others, as I feel as if I am among the minority truly having the bombings rattle me!), of love & self-discipline to cling to Him
in faith (& not jump ship, ha!), and boldly trusting Him to guard all I was entrusting to him for that day (my family & my safety). Prayers for peace had been, & were being, prayed. Praise that, with this respite of time, I have felt His Presence, His protection, His Sovereign control, & how He truly is walking with us.

He grounded us here to protect us & give me peace....& for that I am grateful. He has made Himself known, even when He didn't have to, & I am full of praises...definitely more ready to go forward on
Friday than I was yesterday! 

May His glorious purpose prevail & praise for the ways He uses us, each broken vessels, to carry out His Truth & Purpose.

"How beautiful on the mountains are the feet of those who bring good news,

Who proclaim peace, who bring good tidings,

Who proclaim salvation,

Who say to Zion,

'Your God reigns!'"

Isaiah 52:7

Beauty from Ashes

"...let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.  Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and  lose heart."                                                                                                                                                                       Hebrews 12:1-3 (emphasis mine)

 

Transform

This current journey to Africa all started with a prayer.

"Transform me, Lord." 

I prayed these words in September of 2015 as I began an amazing study of the book of Revelation & was asked, "Though I come intrigued, do I desire to leave transformed?  Revelation will lead us o prayer & worship as never before." 
(pg 6, BSF notes, Lesson 2)

I then responded to another question, "What are my concerns as I begin this study of Revelation? What am I looking forward to?"  

My response was honest, heart-felt, and sincere.  I responded, "That I won't understand Revelation and through not understanding I won't be able to adequately share His Light, Life, & Love with others.  Or, that I would miss the blessings myself.  I am looking forward to letting go of fear & having my heart further transformed.  I am yearning to have fear replaced with joy, peace & security.  May this study be heart knowledge and not just head knowledge."  

 How God continues to amaze me.  When we seek Him, He is so amazingly faithful to meet us (as promised in Matthew 6:33).  When we draw near to Him, He is faithful to draw near to us (as promised in James 4:8). When we pray, He is faithful to answer, and in ways that, even though it might not be the way we hoped or necessarily to our liking, are absolutely perfect, just as He is divinely Perfect.  

Allow me to share how He has been answering this prayer of transformation, and how this upcoming journey to Africa is all a part of His beautiful work of redemption in my life.  And, how the attached pictures indeed have incredible significance in being a tangible reminder of His beautiful work in my life.  

This is a story of Isaiah 61:1-3, which reads:

"He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
    to proclaim freedom for the captives

to comfort all who mourn...

provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
    instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
    instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
    instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
    a planting of the Lord
    for the display of his splendor."

Likewise, this story begins all the way back in the spring of 1993: my freshman year of college.  A year of complete brokenness, intense mourning, and an incredible spirit of despair upon being the victim of date rape (and then spiraling downward through years of emotional shame).  I remember never experiencing such brokenness, such pain & heart-ache.  Yet, I also remember the foundation of my childhood coming to the forefront as never before.  

Jesus was with me & He was holding me.  He was wiping every tear from my eyes (Rev  21:4) & beginning the life-long transforming process of making all things new (Ephesians 4:20-24 , Rev 21:5).  He would heal completely my brokenness.  He forgave me & called me His Beloved. Faithfully, & ever-so timely, He would bring about all things for good (Romans 8:28).  Now, this is hindsight talking, as I wasn't necessarily thinking of that as 1993 continued to unfold!  At that time, I simply needed to rest in Him, & allow Him to hold me.

Fast forward to the present and all that God is currently orchestrating in putting together this mission trip to Fundong, Cameroon.   Witness how He is bringing beauty from the ashes:

• I am introduced to Days for Girls non-profit in Sept, 2015.  My heart is moved, in spite of my non-understanding at the time as to exactly why 
• Upon being invited to be a part of Cameroon missions, I discover the possibility of a ministry opportunity within the young girls of the orphanage in Fundong, Cameroon (which our trip will be based out of & from)
• The idea is put into motion, reaching out to members of our church to organize and donate items to put together female hygiene kits for the sweet young girls in Fundong.  As of today, God has faithfully provided through His servants every component for the taking of 30 kits to this orphanage in Cameroon.   
• Upon beginning discussions with key contacts with the orphanage, another piece falls into place that continues to leave me shaking with emotion.  God in His divine, perfect, amazing goodness....bringing beauty from ashes.  It came to my attention that, in the fall of 2015 (as I was praying about all things Cameroon & being introduced to Days for Girls & seeing how it might be a bridge component to being able to speak on all things Jesus) there was an unfortunate incident where one of the young girls in the orphanage was taken advantage of sexually.  The directors and staff of the orphanage have since been floundered in how to address/discuss/come out of this situation and come alongside this young girl (& the others in the orphanage both now & in the future).  A need is recognized.  God is on the move...God is present...God is concerned & is using us (I stand amazed).  It does not go unnoticed how God is using me, li'l ole me, and how He is using this trip as an act of redemption...and tool to speak into another's life.  
• On this trip, we have the opportunity to speak into, and plant seeds, into the culture, this generation, and all future generations.  Out of our feminine hygiene education has come the opportunity to share the love of Jesus.  An opportunity to share how getting lost in His Love is how we make it through the hard things in life, & accepting His forgiveness of us allows us freedom to embrace the joy that comes in living an abundant life that He desires for us.  Likewise, boys will be learning from other men how to Biblically respect women.  This can (& will) be of huge  benefit to future cultures, changing their current shame-based  culture into one of redemption, respect, & righteousness. As I write, lessons are being planned between one of our male team members and the director of the orphanage and another local pastor.  Praise Him!

 I stand amazed.  One simple prayer, and He is reaching into the very details of my life and working to redeem, shine His Light, bring darkness into  light, and offering love through all the shame to this very child He loves dearly.  I stand amazed...He is using me. 

 
 As I close, I am reminded of how an explanation of all these photos needs to be shared.  Many of you have, no doubt, seen me wear the above necklace.  It is a treasure, indeed.

Many do not know of it's significance to me, however.  Allow me to share, as it is my tangible reminder of how God is always actively at work in our lives to transform, if we but simply allow Him to do so.  

A dear friend & I sought to express bits of our personality along with God's glorifying, transformative work in us.  We were (and are) runners, and sought to bring to life the Scripture verses found in Hebrews 12:1-3.  Along with a runner girl, we thought about the transformative work that a butterfly undergoes in it's lifetime.  How, it starts out as a caterpillar and, upon going through the chrysalis process, emerges on the other side a beautiful butterly.  

Thus, our necklace was born.  Another dear friend hand-crafted it for us, all from drawings we submitted, and photos taken from a butterfly exhibit we joyfully experienced.  Our runner girl is running after the butterfly, a tangible reminder of our call to continue to persevere, keeping our eyes ever focused on Jesus, the author & perfecter of our faith.  We are called to consider all He endured at the cross in order to continue on in the race He has for us.  

This is part of my race.  May I continue to persevere in His strength, in His Light, & in His equipping hands of grace.  

May all glory be to you, oh great Christ, Our King!

 

All Is Confirmed:  He says "Go"

Just like that, in spite of the doubts I had been having, God continues to delight me in being present in the details of my life & offering confirmation:  "Go, I am sending thee" (further answering my prayer from Isaiah 6:8 & His Word that I have been lifting back to Him).

I have personally been praying since Oct, '15 over the extended invitation to go with a group from our church to Cameroon, Africa in March/April of 2016.  We will be working with & through the ministry organization KidZ at Heart (http://www.kidzatheart.org/)

to educate, equip, and nurture children's ministry leaders in & around the area of Fundong & Belo, Cameroon.  We will specifically be teaching & training at an orphanage in Fundong itself.  This is an exciting opportunity to use my education, teaching, & training skills, as well as step outside of many of my own comfort zone(s) to reach a people-group in Africa that I have limited experience of and with.  To say that I am humbled, as well as filled with trepidation by this extended invitation, sums up my emotions mildly. This invitation is truly encouraging me to put my faith in action in a myriad of ways.  However, when other pieces of the trip began falling into place, I realized that God had been preparing me for a long while & I needed to focus in on Him & truly listen.

Did I mention that this will be a mother/daughter opportunity for missions? Yes, Cameron was originally the one extended a return invite for being a part of this Cameroon opportunity (remember, she traveled to Cameroon in Jan/Feb of 2015 with Rob and others).  However, since the trip will fall over Easter, Rob obviously would not be able to accompany her.  As we continued to pray & plan, the realization that this trip would also be over Cameron's Spring Break made us keenly aware that God could possibly be opening a door to continue to raise our child in an environment of service & missions to others.  Afterall, this has been a desire of our hearts in raising our family...that each of our girls would know the gift that comes from serving others, as well as the joy that stems from growing a servant's heart.  What once seemed like a "once in a lifetime" opportunity was now becoming apparent as an opportunity to continue shepherding and fostering our oldest's heart for missions & service to others was becoming a reality.  What a joy to continue to expand her perspective, spiritual-growth, world-view, and global horizons!  

With that piece falling into place, next came another significant piece that spoke loudly to my heart in confirmation that God was indeed orchestrating this mission opportunity to Africa.  For years, God has been preparing me for educating & opening the door of communication for young girls to discover the joy & wonder of how our loving God has created them.  I had always envisioned mother/daughter workshops within the church-body as possibilities for encouraging the communication  of such a personal (& often difficult) topic in a safe, beloved atmosphere.  While this may still remain an option for the future, the opportunity for such an event has never come to fruition.  When invited to be a part of a teaching team at an orphanage, where children would very well be present (as it is also THEIR Spring Break), it began to dawn on me that God might have a different purpose & plan for all the collecting of resources & the seed of passion He had planted in my heart all those years ago.  Once again, I was on my knees praying over the opportunity.  Then came the introduction to Days for Girls (www.daysforgirls.org).  Here was a non-profit organization already formed to fit the need and provide opportunity for health education in Fundong, if I/we were simply willing to pray, plan, & prepare.  Would Cameron be willing to join her mom on this endeavor to provide health education & feminine hygiene kits?     Fear  gripped at me,  however, in looking to the example of Daniel (from the Old Testament), God spoke on what it was like to overcome fear with faith in God.  Thus, I too was (once again) encouraged to take a step forward and  boldy replace fear with faith.   I shared my vision with Cameron, as well as how the need for quality health education for young girls is of magnificent proportion. I shared with her how the effects of our own personal development as women directly effects a young girls' ability to receive an uninterrupted and quality education. Thus, the chain of poverty continues to hold it's evil grasp on their lives. In sharing with her how this need for education is exactly where God has (for years) captured my attention, my focus, and my heart, she clearly  saw what a beautiful opportunity it would be to share with each young girl (many she could personally envision from her trip in '15) how they are fearfully & wonderfully made (Psalm 139:13-14) by our loving and gracious Creator.  Another piece had fallen in place:  my daughter was willing to come along-side and boldly be a part of sharing about health education and making/donating feminine hygiene kits with me!  At the mere age of 13 years, I truly find that to be a work of God's hand!

Revelation 4:1-2, 6-7a, 8a

Fellow BSF leader's artist son's depiction of the first beast 

Lastly comes further confirmation from God's Word & God's people.  I have had the privilege and joy to be studying God's Word as found in Revelation since September of 2015.  Oh how my eyes and heart have been opened and transformed already! The cry of my heart is for God to continue to transform me to be more like Him, and for my eyes to be opened to His ways.  How I pray to be moved further away from my own selfishness to an attitude of selflessness.  It's truly an act of dying to self, daily.  I also yearn to know our Lord Jesus Christ more deeply and more intimately.   This is yet another cry of my heart.  Oh how He has patiently, sweetly, and boldly been answering these prayers through the power of His Word in Revelation.  

                                                                                       

As I mentioned, fears do plague me, and my struggle with them is very real.  I fear the world, the chaos, & violence it finds itself wrapped up in.  I fear the threat on my very life, as well as the life of my daughter & those I travel with.  I fear the unknown and what a culture I have never experienced will be like.  I fear being moved to tears and hurting deeply for all that I am seeing/experiencing/beholding as I embark on this trip to Africa.  I fear the words that family & friends have to share, as well as the fear that is readily evident in those shared words (but which I also know stem from the deep love they have for us). 

How am I navigating through these fears?  I am taking them to the Lord.  I am reading/studying/hearing His Word and I am taking it to heart all He has to say.  I praise Him for His promises.  I praise Him for the security I find in Him.  I praise Him for Jesus and how through Him, I am sealed.  God is my eternal security system for the present and for the future (thank you sweet BSF teaching leader).  I trust that He protects me through & until I fulfill His purpose and calling.  I trust that He alone knows when my calling is fulfilled.  Through this knowledge and faith, I am blessed with freedom from fear and the courage to step out in faith for Him and in Him.    I can trust in His Care as found in His Word in Matthew 10:28-31:

"Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell. ²⁹ Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. ³⁰ And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. ³¹ So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows."

With this promise, I can faithfully take a step forward away from fear, and with eyes focused firmly on Him, I can trust that He is calling, He is leading, He is equipping, and He has a purpose for me in Africa (& beyond).  My job is to heed His call, sit at His feet, worship, praise, listen, and most importantly....obey.

Praise you Lord for where you are guiding my steps.  Amen

PS:  As of this writing, yet another confirmation has graciously unfolded through His provision.  Cameron and I are over half-funded for our trip...only by God's grace & His moving in the faithful hearts of His fellow servants!  Thank you, Lord! 

 

God knows all things!  Testimony to His preparation thru the years:  Cameroon attire gifted to me from our precious Cameroon flock at First Presbyterian Church in Arlington, Tx in 2013.  I already have something culturally appropriate to wear!

Living Victorious & Free

"Can't catch a break
You've had your fill of old cliches
Like 'life is hard, but God is good'.

But even though it's true
It won't stop what you're goin' through
I wish that I could say it would.

That he's outside of what you feel
It might not make sense
But one day it will.

There's comin' a day the sun will always shine
He's gonna wipe away every tear from your eyes.
Hold on, my brother
Things are gonna get better
You're gonna smile again
'Cause we win in the end

You're standing still
Life has handed you a bitter pill
Once again you're on your face

You've got questions
Plenty of secret confessions
Wonderin' if you've run out of grace

But he's outside of what you feel
This life is just a moment
But our forever is sealed
Oh yeah

There's comin' a day the sun will always shine
He's gonna wipe away every tear from your eyes.
Hold on, my brother
Things are gonna get better
You're gonna smile again
'Cause we win in the end

-Natalie Grant, "We Win in the End"

A sweet friend with an amazing talent for singing and leading worship recently sang this song one Sunday morning.  She has sung it before, and it has always struck me the beauty of the song itself, but it wasn't until this past Sunday that the words truly hit home.

They resonated in my heart.  God used my friend, this song, and these beautiful words from Natalie Grant to spur continued healing as a reminder of all that I am persevering toward in this journey.

God has used the time since my counseling session for good. Praise for how good the session was & how instrumental it is been in moving me forward in complete healing.  Praise those wise friends God has put in my life to encourage me toward this session, encourage me in my walk with Him, and in praying over ALL things every step of the way.  Oh how I praise God for those dear friends He has placed into my life (you know who you are...may you experience the Holy hug I am sending your way right now!)

The counseling session has left me stronger.  What I love about it is how Truth has been busy replacing the lies.  It has been amazing how God's Truth springs forward from my mind to over-power and squelch the negative thoughts/tendencies.  It's still a journey, and I have my fair share of "short-coming" moments of "forgetfulness," but overall...things are different.  Truth is more prevalent & at the forefront.  It gives me hope and promise that living the abundant life and claiming victory over this season of pain is near an end...and that I will come out, with God's abundant grace & strength, shining brighter, smiling more, and attaining the joy He has for me.  May I truly learn & allow His Truth in Hebrews 12:2 take hold & completely transform me:

"looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."

Jesus KNEW what was ahead.  He knew the great pain.  He was keenly aware of the deep suffering He would soon be enduring.  Yet, He accepted this journey, this will of His Father's, and He moved forward into the pain in joy.  His eyes were on His Father and the victory to come in the end.  

May my eyes and heart be so focused.  May I keep my eyes fixed on Jesus, enduring whatever comes my way, rising to the pain, the heart-ache, the pitfalls, with a sense of joy as a servant of Christ, following in His way, in His plan, and in His will.

But, may I do so knowing the depth of His intimate love for me.  I long to grow in my intimacy with Him.  Moving all this "head" knowledge and truly allowing it to soak into my heart and flow out into the life I live.  

I have recently been introduced to a new hero.  Many of you know what a HUGE, (I mean fanatically HUGE) college football fan I am...I live for the fall and the start of a new football season!  However, outside the scope of the Big 12 (and my dear Texas Tech Red Raiders), this mother of 3 rarely focuses on many of the other teams or their players.

Until recently, that is.  I was just introduced to Eric LeGrand the other night, via a story about him in the inspirational magazing Guidepost.   LeGrand played with the Rutgers that season in 2010.  A tragic accident that October would change his young life forever.  It was during the game between the Rutgers vs Army in that Eric  fractured his C3 & C4 vertebrae in a collision with another player.  It left him paralyzed from the neck down and doctors estimated that Eric had less than a 5% chance of regaining any motor function--much less be able to walk again.  

Where is Eric now?  Making progress and living a MIRACLE.  He has kept his eyes focused on Christ, praying Psalm 23 with his aunt during the initial & most critical moments of his recovery.  He saw victories he could claim, bit by bit, with belief and trust in His Lord that it would be possible.  Doctors, family, & Eric were all left over-joyed over the healing that was occurring through the many months Eric was hospitalized and in rehab.  First he became determined to get off the ventilator (which in the first months following the accident, both the ventilator and feeding tube were all that were keeping him alive).  Doctors said he'd never breathe again on his own.  The noise of the machines kept Eric up, and he lay there at night wondering if he'd survive.  Finally, though, Eric convinced the doctors to let him try to breathe without it.  They told him he wouldn't last more than a few minutes.  The joy of it all was that, the first time he came off the ventilator, he lasted an hour and a half.  It was at that moment that Eric knew that there was a plan for this entire accident and journey to recovery.

The miracles Eric experienced next were not "parting-of-the-Red-Sea-huge", but no less significant.  They allowed Eric to see the progress and encourage his deep belief in miracles and the Lord at work in his life.  He truly, deeply, and without reservation, believes that everything happens for a reason, and has inspired me in my own personal belief.  

Eric's message that motivates me even further?!?  His voicemail message:

"This is Eric LeGrand.  I want to leave you with a quick message before you go.  Never take anything for granted.  Each day is a gift.  It is a prize of its own.  You have to go out there and receive it & enjoy it to the best of your abilities.  That's what I do every day of my life.  And always remember:  Believe."

(above story adapted from Guideposts, January, 2013,"To Walk Again," by Adam Hunter, Senior Editor)

Eric's life exemplifies Romans 8:37 for me:

"In all these things we are more than conquerors, through Him who loved us."

I long to exemplify that same lifestyle, focus, and perseverance.   I desire to conquer.  I yearn for victorious living, "living outside what I feel", and following hard, with my soul, after Him (Psalm 63:8a)

Grow my trust in You more, Oh Lord, and decrease my distrust of fellow man.  Focus my eyes solely on You, and less on what man thinks of me.  Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings (Psalm 17:8). May I see more clearly how You see me, & may I believe, as I get lost in intimacy in You.  

Amen.

Broken Vessel: A Prayer Along This Journey to Wholeness

"I waited patiently for the Lord;
    he turned to me and heard my cry.  

 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
    out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. 

 He put a new song in my mouth,
    a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the Lord
    and put their trust in him."

Psalm 40:1-3 

Two years...we are nearly upon the two year anniversary of our move into, what one friend has continually coined as, our "Promised Land."  There is truth in that analogy...this location and this community truly are a Promised Land for Rob and myself.  God is good...He is very good.

However, with this anniversary, I am also mindful of how I haven't fully embraced our Promised Land.  You see, I continue to be stuck.  I continue to wrestle with past hurts, past grief, past pain.  It is inhibiting me from fully moving forward, embracing this Promised Land, and embracing all God has for me and His blessed child.  For the past two years I have asked myself, "How does one move forward (& embrace new ministry) when one is still hurting and grieving so deeply (over past ministry &/or broken relationships)?"  I have come to realize it boils down to one thing:

Trust

Even in my strides to move forward, I encounter pain.  This sets me back to continuing to ask the above question, when I find myself right back at Ground Zero.  The grief comes back to surface.  The distrust of the human race resurfaces.  The despair over our depravity and the pain it incurs cuts deeply.  How does one move forward when the wound never seems to fully heal, because people continue being their sinful selves and hurting/manipulation/pride/etc continues to be so rampant, even amongst Christians?

Forgiveness

Yes, I have forgiven the one who hurt me so deeply.  I forgave her, yet I still find myself wrestling with not understanding that loss of a friendship or what went wrong.  I wrestle with letting go of shared memories, of the hurt & pain caused by her lies and manipulation, and of the despair I felt in wondering if I loved her well through it all.  I wrestle with the rejection of friendship, & the hurt and pain rejection always brings.  I wrestle with trust issues...trusting others with my heart, trusting others in friendship.  It was recently shared in a sermon how, "In being vulnerable & giving of oneself to others, as well as equally having others' vulnerability reciprocated, it is guaranteed that there will be pain." (Joey Parsons, sermon from Acts 20:28-38)  And this is where I am stuck...the pain that continues to be encountered upon being vulnerable.  

These below words I recently read struck me deeply, as my heart & soul resonated with them completely:

 

·         “The devastation that a woman can feel at the demise of a soul mate friendship is akin to the pain of a divorce.”  Lillian Rubin, psychotherapist.  We need to acknowledge that pain is real.  God wired us to be relational, and the side effect to that is pain when those relationships go sour."  (The Friendships of Women, Dee Brestin, Ch 1)

I have come to realize that I have needed this time to grieve deeply the real pain I encountered over the loss of a soul-mate friendship.  But, two years?!? I am truly ready to move forward!  However the ramifications of this total rejection and demise of friendship has left me broken, cracked, not trusting, and quite lonely.  You see, I am also guilty of self-preservation these past couple of years, even while living in our Promised Land.  I have walked around with a mask on, on the outside smiling & sharing of myself (to an extent), while on the inside hurting deeply...yearning to trust and allow myself vulnerability in friendship (and others seeing the real me), however often “pulling in like a turtle.” I have striven, these past two years, to take those faithful steps forward in revealing myself yet, just as Joey Parson's quote above reminds us, I have found myself hurt due to others' actions, words, criticisms, etc. "Pulling in like a turtle" makes for a life that is cold, dark, and lonely.  And, with the title "Pastor's Wife," I find myself even more lonely, as it is even more difficult to make friendships that move to that level of vulnerability & depth I crave & yearn for.  There are just so many preconceived notions around that title, "Pastor's Wife" that it makes it so hard to push past instinct and stick my head out on a regular basis.  How does one find the strength and continued courage to trust, and stick one's head out?

I know that much of this journey is God calling me to a deeper, more intimate relationship with Him, and that much of my trust issues can be (and will be) given over & healed by Him.  My mind knows that...it's the action itself and courage it takes to move it from the mind to the heart, to living it out in faith. Therein lies the struggle.  I know that we are not made to be independent, but dependent upon our Lord.  I know that we are made to drink from a well and be replenished...that well being the Holy Spirit...and that this all leads to the Good Life Jesus invites us to & has for us.  But, believing and taking action are so hard in light of living in this world and witnessing the depravity around us.  That should drive me more quickly and deeply to Him, but alas, I confess, I am stuck in this pit of despair.

I long to climb out.  I long to be free.  I long to live in Him, His strength, His Spirit, with eyes completely focused on Him and His goodness.  I cling to Psalm 40.  I am beginning to see how this entire journey is exposing how fundamentally I am unable to do this Good Life by myself (thank you, again, Joey Parsons, for those words from your sermon).  If I want the Good Life, I need to consume Jesus, and consume Him daily, hourly, minute-by-minute.  

As I move into this week, this week that I pray is a "moving forward" week with an upcoming intensive counseling session, I pray that my heart will allow God to pull me from this miry pit & that I can truly let go and move forward completely, embracing ALL He has for me here in this Promised Land. How I pray these words below, from Hillsong's Broken Vessels, seeking to find freedom in Him, to be brought into wholeness through His mercy & grace:

All these pieces
Broken and scattered
In mercy gathered
Mended and whole
Empty handed
But not forsaken
I've been set free
I've been set free

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost
But now I'm found
Was blind but now I see

Oh I can see it now
Oh I can see the love in Your eyes
Laying yourself down
Raising up the broken to life

 

You take our failure
You take our weakness
You set Your treasure
In jars of clay
So take this heart, Lord
I'll be Your vessel
The world to see
Your love in me

 Thank you for your prayers over me this week as I strive to embrace this journey to wholeness, in His strength.

Life's Journey circa 2014

It all started with the gift of a weekend get-away to beautiful California.

Without children.

Without responsibilities.

(well, for me...Rob had a wedding to officiate; I simply had the joy of reconnecting with lifelong friends and celebrating the joy of two young friends getting married!)

I had the opportunity to think.  To process.  To, get this: complete a thought.

Unless I rise at 5 AM every day (which I pretty much do!), this is an unheard of reality in 2014.  

Not only did I get to complete a thought....I had the chance to read.  

Honestly, I do read quite often.  I stick books in different places so that I always have something to read wherever I might be.  But the content of what I chose to read while in California encouraged processing.  It encouraged emotion.  It encouraged looking back, as well as looking forward. It was a tool in bringing about revelation, which, in turn, is bringing about healing.

God is with me, and I praise Him for holding my hand and for the gift of revelation.

 This has been a long hard journey, and I am realizing that it isn't quite over yet.

Oh, there is still so much to learn.

As I ponder all revelations God has recently brought to mind and heart, and all that I continue to wrestle with, I would like to share my learnings through the thought of "beach ponderings."  These revelations won't necessarily be shared in chronological order as to how they occurred, but how they are being "pondered" in my head...and bringing about healing and growth...and how they all began on the beaches of California.

 

• Rob preached from Acts 13:13-52 this past Sunday.  When I opened my Bible to this passage, little did I know that God would reveal the story of our lives from 2006-2013.  I should have had a bit of clue, upon reading my own inscription from verse 52 (which is underlined in my Bible) and the words, dated Oct, 2011, written, "Pray when to flee and when to stay...remain in joy thru it all." You see, Acts 13:13-52 share the first missionary journeys of Paul and Barnabas.  To paraphrase, the passage speaks to how their first endeavors didn't go as well as they had hoped, or prayed (let alone expected or thought).  Verse 44-45 alone shares how, "On the next Sabbath almost the whole city gathered to hear the word of the Lord.  When the Jews saw the crowds, they were filled with jealousy & talked abusively against what Paul was saying."  Verses 51-52 conclude the chapter, and the missionary's experiences, with "So they shook the dust from their feet in protest against them and went to Iconium.  And the disciples were filled with joy & with the Holy Spirit."  How does this relate to me and why was I in tears upon the conclusion of Rob's sermon on this passage?  It all began when, in 2006, we heard God leading us to leave our beloved church and youth family in Virginia to make the "missionary" sojourn to Texas and have Rob step into Senior Pastor ministry from beloved Youth Ministry.  We heard His call, doors began to open, and we obeyed His call, never doubting the commission to "go, teach, and make disciples of men." (Matthew 28:19, Stacy paraphrase)  Once there, we began sinking our heart and soul into ministering to a church that was recuperating from decades of poor leadership from within its' own walls, and serving a denomination that, truly, found Jesus to be offensive.   This hurting church grew in a myriad of ways under God's sovereignty and Rob's leadership, but it took a great deal of "enduring their conduct" (Acts 13:18) with many tears of disappointment, disillusionment, grief, and despair shed along the way.  For just as many disciples that "got it" and were filled with the joy of the Holy Spirit, there were those loud ones who "didn't" get it and voiced loudly, and in discouraging ways that often cut deeply into this tender-hearted woman who hated to see her husband continually discouraged (in spite of his thick, self-proclaimed, rhino-skin!).  Deeper lines of grief were drawn when those voices were spoken toward this tender-hearted woman and deep, denominational issues became involved.  Walking the line of preaching the Gospel to a hungry, often hurting, church in a hostile denomination offended by Jesus, and continually hearing the denomination's abusive voice and threats to close the church doors and remove the pastor were more than a bit disheartening.  Watching this exact horror unfold to a sister church two hours away was disgusting and altogether filled me with the truth and reality of how even, self-proclaimed Christians can treat one another quite cruelly when their eyes are taken off of Jesus and cast instead on power, greed, fear, and/or pride.   These were times where my personal and innate hearts'-perspective of striving to always see the good in people, not to mention seeing people as inherently good was deeply, deeply challenged.  
  
  •   Fast forward to 2014 and how we have "shaken the dust from our feet in protest against them" (the denomination) "and went to" Loveland, CO," our personal "Promised Land."  We, his disciples, are "filled with joy and the Holy Spirit" as we consider where He has led us...a place of safety, a place to heal, and a place to continue growing in Him.  However,  I have found that, even when in a safe place that is nurturing, encouraging and (often) filled with grace, it is real and necessary to grieve, work through, process, and recognize the legitimate ailment disillusionment with the church can be and how it requires rest and recovery time.  No, I don't wish to get stuck here and dig a pit...but I now know this is a grief-filled experience I have been healing through over the past year and I need to allow myself adequate rest and recovery time, leaning into and receiving Him in order to move forward and be able to joyfully fulfill the mission He has for me here in His Promised Land of Loveland, CO. 

• So, how has God been leading me in moving forward through all of this?  How can I find motivation to stay involved in church following negative experiences along the way?  What are some of my specific "beach ponderings" as I strive to move forward, in His strength?  
• First, as I eluded to above, I need to recognize and claim the hurt; process through it, grieve, pray, cling to the Lord, lift up transparent prayer to Him, stay in His Word, and allow Him to walk with me through claiming and identifying hurt/grief/anger/pain.  I need to let go and let Him be at work softening my heart just as Jesus modeled being focused on "the joy set before Him" (Hebrews 12:2) and walked through worse trials than I (or anyone) will ever encounter.  Following His lead, I am learning to focus on the reward of becoming stronger and more mature as a result of persevering through the difficult situations I have encountered at and through our years of ministry.  Through them, God is training me in holiness; the pain they cause will eventually produce a "harvest of righteousness and peace." (Hebrews 12:11)  Some of the specific areas God is using to mature me are:  using the challenge of loneliness experienced as a leader in ministry to draw me nearer to Him in utter dependency and complete transparency; continuing to learn and grow in the knowledge and understanding of His Word, but also remembering to practice thanksgiving and praise and the applying of His Word into my daily living (and not just retain head knowledge...it HAS to also be heart knowledge and application!)...find times to process hard events instead of pushing them down and repressing them...keep going to the Lord in confession and repentance and honest communication, allowing God to soften those hardened areas of my heart, and practicing more faithfully the art of thanksgiving and praise that He calls us to.  
• Secondly, I need to understand that strengthening my character does not mean dismissing
  
  the pain I experience.  Disillusionment is all about loss.  Taking the time to grieve what has been lost is critical to recovery.  Some things I have now recognized that I have been grieving through:  the loss of friendships; the loss of belief in an entire denomination (grieving their every move and the powerful hold deceit and sin have on them); the loss of the enjoyment of church attendance, ministry, and worship...everything became an obligation; the loss of a part of my husband and our marriage...forever fighting denominational issues and always coming home discouraged had a way of leaving me more and more alone and intimacy was lost due to the attention other areas ministry, emotion and "battle fighting" took; and ultimately, the loss of my desire to give thanksgiving and praise.  Making the realization that this part of my journey is grief-based gives me hope that I will get through and get to that Proverbial "light at the end of the tunnel."  But, I must also understand that my progress will, no doubt, be fraught with setbacks.  Reading others' accounts and how they wrestled with guilt of "taking extended time off from ministry to heal from church-related woes" has been liberating.  It has helped give words to my experience and pain in my personal journey, providing understanding and an avenue of freedom.  Praise!
• Thirdly, I need to claim the necessity of grieving these personal emotional and spiritual wounds...not grovel and get stuck there, as I mentioned...but grieve so I can move forward.  "Spiritual and emotional wounds, like physical injuries, needn't be life-threatening to warrant treatment" (see reference at end)  I naively thought a year would be an adequate "stamp" of time for healing/transitioning/assessing/etc in our Promised Land, but I am now finding that a year may not truly have been enough for me.  I know how incredibly thankful I am for the grace extended through the current church we serve (especially since I put so much pressure on my own self!  I often am not very good about extending grace to my own self!).  I also know that God is at work within and thru me in addressing all these areas through gift of writing.  Through writing and sharing, I am moving forward in recovery and healing.
• Fourthly, I need to seek to obey our Lord and forgive.  Colossians 3:13 certainly can make me flinch in conviction:  "Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you"  As I work through the facets and levels of hurt/loss/pain that have accompanied each church/denomination conflict, I have uncovered anger and resentment toward those whose actions contributed to my grief, and often-times, sadly enough, those have been pointed toward my pastor-husband.  As I find time to make a list of everyone I feel has wronged me, and what they have done, I need to take that list to God, state before Him every name and grievance, and commit to forgive each individual.  I also need to be aware that, although the decision to forgive may be final, accomplishing it may very well take time.  Grudges can rear their ugly head time and time again and when they do, I need to pray for grace to keep forgiving, clinging to His promise "He who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion" (Philippians 1:6)  I need to trust He will reveal how to see my offenders in a positive light, thus allowing me to be able to release the remnant of resentment.  
• Lastly, I need to recognize that abandoning the fellowship of believers is not an option.  God designed me, and every believer, to participate in the body of Christ (1 Corinthians 12:12-25)  He longs for His family to stay connected so we can encourage each other (Hebrews 10:25).  I recognize the temptation within my own self over the self-preservation technique that is so tempting in "pulling away."  I am often tempted to pull away, as I find it daily difficult to live in the "fishbowl" one more day.  But, I must realize it is Satan's ploy and tactic.  God wants us connected--to Him and to other, fellow believers.  Through all of this, I have recognized this is an area I need to be better at extending grace to myself in.  Sometimes, in order to help myself cope with fresh feelings of grief or discomfort associated with going to church (as the "pastor's wife"), I need to "allow" myself:  grace to arrive late, leave early, jot notes in a journal, visit other churches, be a part of other ministries, hide away in Rob's office during Sunday School hour so I can simply find an hour of quiet, between me and the Lord vs. being "visible" and "on" in a Sunday school class. 
  
  
Unwrapping these areas of revelation has been "surprisingly" difficult at times (as the cold waters of the Pacific Ocean in Nov..see picture), but it has also been therapeutic and healing to my soul (as salt water often is for our wounds).  It has been a process progressing forward through all of this, but starting over slowly certainly has afforded me an opportunity to rethink my passions, dreams, goals, and the call God has for me here in CO.  May I continue to strive in living out His Word, as well as encouraging others to live out His instructions found in Hebrews 12:14: "Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and be holy." I long to be a church leader (as well as expect from fellow church leaders) that exemplifies biblical standards of integrity, with grace to acknowledge mine and their mistakes, humbly, along the way.  I want to continue interacting with the world around me and pursue relationships outside of, as well as within, my church. This is a critical component for me, as a pastor's wife, since so much of church is our life and the air we breathe.  Leaving a church means losing my entire support system and that is difficult, hard, and wrought with grief that that change can/does bring.  In all of this, though, I also need to remember His Words in Psalms 118:8:  "It is better to take refuge in the Lord than trust in humans." for it reminds me that I need to remember first Jesus' words in Matthew 11:28:  "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."  Seek Him first, Stacy, and know that,"even if/when more church conflict and disillusionment hit, Jesus' constant, unconditional friendship will provide comfort and the courage I need to face challenges that come.  He is my ultimate security, no matter what happens in my church." (or denomination)  Praise you, Lord!

Writings of Becky Pamer adapted throughout and taken from publication of Just Between Us, Winter, 2014 magazine, article entitled, "How to Survive the Church"