Life's Journey circa 2014

It all started with the gift of a weekend get-away to beautiful California.

Without children.

Without responsibilities.

(well, for me...Rob had a wedding to officiate; I simply had the joy of reconnecting with lifelong friends and celebrating the joy of two young friends getting married!)

I had the opportunity to think.  To process.  To, get this: complete a thought.

Unless I rise at 5 AM every day (which I pretty much do!), this is an unheard of reality in 2014.  

Not only did I get to complete a thought....I had the chance to read.  

Honestly, I do read quite often.  I stick books in different places so that I always have something to read wherever I might be.  But the content of what I chose to read while in California encouraged processing.  It encouraged emotion.  It encouraged looking back, as well as looking forward. It was a tool in bringing about revelation, which, in turn, is bringing about healing.

God is with me, and I praise Him for holding my hand and for the gift of revelation.

 This has been a long hard journey, and I am realizing that it isn't quite over yet.

Oh, there is still so much to learn.

As I ponder all revelations God has recently brought to mind and heart, and all that I continue to wrestle with, I would like to share my learnings through the thought of "beach ponderings."  These revelations won't necessarily be shared in chronological order as to how they occurred, but how they are being "pondered" in my head...and bringing about healing and growth...and how they all began on the beaches of California.

 

• Rob preached from Acts 13:13-52 this past Sunday.  When I opened my Bible to this passage, little did I know that God would reveal the story of our lives from 2006-2013.  I should have had a bit of clue, upon reading my own inscription from verse 52 (which is underlined in my Bible) and the words, dated Oct, 2011, written, "Pray when to flee and when to stay...remain in joy thru it all." You see, Acts 13:13-52 share the first missionary journeys of Paul and Barnabas.  To paraphrase, the passage speaks to how their first endeavors didn't go as well as they had hoped, or prayed (let alone expected or thought).  Verse 44-45 alone shares how, "On the next Sabbath almost the whole city gathered to hear the word of the Lord.  When the Jews saw the crowds, they were filled with jealousy & talked abusively against what Paul was saying."  Verses 51-52 conclude the chapter, and the missionary's experiences, with "So they shook the dust from their feet in protest against them and went to Iconium.  And the disciples were filled with joy & with the Holy Spirit."  How does this relate to me and why was I in tears upon the conclusion of Rob's sermon on this passage?  It all began when, in 2006, we heard God leading us to leave our beloved church and youth family in Virginia to make the "missionary" sojourn to Texas and have Rob step into Senior Pastor ministry from beloved Youth Ministry.  We heard His call, doors began to open, and we obeyed His call, never doubting the commission to "go, teach, and make disciples of men." (Matthew 28:19, Stacy paraphrase)  Once there, we began sinking our heart and soul into ministering to a church that was recuperating from decades of poor leadership from within its' own walls, and serving a denomination that, truly, found Jesus to be offensive.   This hurting church grew in a myriad of ways under God's sovereignty and Rob's leadership, but it took a great deal of "enduring their conduct" (Acts 13:18) with many tears of disappointment, disillusionment, grief, and despair shed along the way.  For just as many disciples that "got it" and were filled with the joy of the Holy Spirit, there were those loud ones who "didn't" get it and voiced loudly, and in discouraging ways that often cut deeply into this tender-hearted woman who hated to see her husband continually discouraged (in spite of his thick, self-proclaimed, rhino-skin!).  Deeper lines of grief were drawn when those voices were spoken toward this tender-hearted woman and deep, denominational issues became involved.  Walking the line of preaching the Gospel to a hungry, often hurting, church in a hostile denomination offended by Jesus, and continually hearing the denomination's abusive voice and threats to close the church doors and remove the pastor were more than a bit disheartening.  Watching this exact horror unfold to a sister church two hours away was disgusting and altogether filled me with the truth and reality of how even, self-proclaimed Christians can treat one another quite cruelly when their eyes are taken off of Jesus and cast instead on power, greed, fear, and/or pride.   These were times where my personal and innate hearts'-perspective of striving to always see the good in people, not to mention seeing people as inherently good was deeply, deeply challenged.  
  
  •   Fast forward to 2014 and how we have "shaken the dust from our feet in protest against them" (the denomination) "and went to" Loveland, CO," our personal "Promised Land."  We, his disciples, are "filled with joy and the Holy Spirit" as we consider where He has led us...a place of safety, a place to heal, and a place to continue growing in Him.  However,  I have found that, even when in a safe place that is nurturing, encouraging and (often) filled with grace, it is real and necessary to grieve, work through, process, and recognize the legitimate ailment disillusionment with the church can be and how it requires rest and recovery time.  No, I don't wish to get stuck here and dig a pit...but I now know this is a grief-filled experience I have been healing through over the past year and I need to allow myself adequate rest and recovery time, leaning into and receiving Him in order to move forward and be able to joyfully fulfill the mission He has for me here in His Promised Land of Loveland, CO. 

• So, how has God been leading me in moving forward through all of this?  How can I find motivation to stay involved in church following negative experiences along the way?  What are some of my specific "beach ponderings" as I strive to move forward, in His strength?  
• First, as I eluded to above, I need to recognize and claim the hurt; process through it, grieve, pray, cling to the Lord, lift up transparent prayer to Him, stay in His Word, and allow Him to walk with me through claiming and identifying hurt/grief/anger/pain.  I need to let go and let Him be at work softening my heart just as Jesus modeled being focused on "the joy set before Him" (Hebrews 12:2) and walked through worse trials than I (or anyone) will ever encounter.  Following His lead, I am learning to focus on the reward of becoming stronger and more mature as a result of persevering through the difficult situations I have encountered at and through our years of ministry.  Through them, God is training me in holiness; the pain they cause will eventually produce a "harvest of righteousness and peace." (Hebrews 12:11)  Some of the specific areas God is using to mature me are:  using the challenge of loneliness experienced as a leader in ministry to draw me nearer to Him in utter dependency and complete transparency; continuing to learn and grow in the knowledge and understanding of His Word, but also remembering to practice thanksgiving and praise and the applying of His Word into my daily living (and not just retain head knowledge...it HAS to also be heart knowledge and application!)...find times to process hard events instead of pushing them down and repressing them...keep going to the Lord in confession and repentance and honest communication, allowing God to soften those hardened areas of my heart, and practicing more faithfully the art of thanksgiving and praise that He calls us to.  
• Secondly, I need to understand that strengthening my character does not mean dismissing
  
  the pain I experience.  Disillusionment is all about loss.  Taking the time to grieve what has been lost is critical to recovery.  Some things I have now recognized that I have been grieving through:  the loss of friendships; the loss of belief in an entire denomination (grieving their every move and the powerful hold deceit and sin have on them); the loss of the enjoyment of church attendance, ministry, and worship...everything became an obligation; the loss of a part of my husband and our marriage...forever fighting denominational issues and always coming home discouraged had a way of leaving me more and more alone and intimacy was lost due to the attention other areas ministry, emotion and "battle fighting" took; and ultimately, the loss of my desire to give thanksgiving and praise.  Making the realization that this part of my journey is grief-based gives me hope that I will get through and get to that Proverbial "light at the end of the tunnel."  But, I must also understand that my progress will, no doubt, be fraught with setbacks.  Reading others' accounts and how they wrestled with guilt of "taking extended time off from ministry to heal from church-related woes" has been liberating.  It has helped give words to my experience and pain in my personal journey, providing understanding and an avenue of freedom.  Praise!
• Thirdly, I need to claim the necessity of grieving these personal emotional and spiritual wounds...not grovel and get stuck there, as I mentioned...but grieve so I can move forward.  "Spiritual and emotional wounds, like physical injuries, needn't be life-threatening to warrant treatment" (see reference at end)  I naively thought a year would be an adequate "stamp" of time for healing/transitioning/assessing/etc in our Promised Land, but I am now finding that a year may not truly have been enough for me.  I know how incredibly thankful I am for the grace extended through the current church we serve (especially since I put so much pressure on my own self!  I often am not very good about extending grace to my own self!).  I also know that God is at work within and thru me in addressing all these areas through gift of writing.  Through writing and sharing, I am moving forward in recovery and healing.
• Fourthly, I need to seek to obey our Lord and forgive.  Colossians 3:13 certainly can make me flinch in conviction:  "Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you"  As I work through the facets and levels of hurt/loss/pain that have accompanied each church/denomination conflict, I have uncovered anger and resentment toward those whose actions contributed to my grief, and often-times, sadly enough, those have been pointed toward my pastor-husband.  As I find time to make a list of everyone I feel has wronged me, and what they have done, I need to take that list to God, state before Him every name and grievance, and commit to forgive each individual.  I also need to be aware that, although the decision to forgive may be final, accomplishing it may very well take time.  Grudges can rear their ugly head time and time again and when they do, I need to pray for grace to keep forgiving, clinging to His promise "He who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion" (Philippians 1:6)  I need to trust He will reveal how to see my offenders in a positive light, thus allowing me to be able to release the remnant of resentment.  
• Lastly, I need to recognize that abandoning the fellowship of believers is not an option.  God designed me, and every believer, to participate in the body of Christ (1 Corinthians 12:12-25)  He longs for His family to stay connected so we can encourage each other (Hebrews 10:25).  I recognize the temptation within my own self over the self-preservation technique that is so tempting in "pulling away."  I am often tempted to pull away, as I find it daily difficult to live in the "fishbowl" one more day.  But, I must realize it is Satan's ploy and tactic.  God wants us connected--to Him and to other, fellow believers.  Through all of this, I have recognized this is an area I need to be better at extending grace to myself in.  Sometimes, in order to help myself cope with fresh feelings of grief or discomfort associated with going to church (as the "pastor's wife"), I need to "allow" myself:  grace to arrive late, leave early, jot notes in a journal, visit other churches, be a part of other ministries, hide away in Rob's office during Sunday School hour so I can simply find an hour of quiet, between me and the Lord vs. being "visible" and "on" in a Sunday school class. 
  
  
Unwrapping these areas of revelation has been "surprisingly" difficult at times (as the cold waters of the Pacific Ocean in Nov..see picture), but it has also been therapeutic and healing to my soul (as salt water often is for our wounds).  It has been a process progressing forward through all of this, but starting over slowly certainly has afforded me an opportunity to rethink my passions, dreams, goals, and the call God has for me here in CO.  May I continue to strive in living out His Word, as well as encouraging others to live out His instructions found in Hebrews 12:14: "Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and be holy." I long to be a church leader (as well as expect from fellow church leaders) that exemplifies biblical standards of integrity, with grace to acknowledge mine and their mistakes, humbly, along the way.  I want to continue interacting with the world around me and pursue relationships outside of, as well as within, my church. This is a critical component for me, as a pastor's wife, since so much of church is our life and the air we breathe.  Leaving a church means losing my entire support system and that is difficult, hard, and wrought with grief that that change can/does bring.  In all of this, though, I also need to remember His Words in Psalms 118:8:  "It is better to take refuge in the Lord than trust in humans." for it reminds me that I need to remember first Jesus' words in Matthew 11:28:  "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."  Seek Him first, Stacy, and know that,"even if/when more church conflict and disillusionment hit, Jesus' constant, unconditional friendship will provide comfort and the courage I need to face challenges that come.  He is my ultimate security, no matter what happens in my church." (or denomination)  Praise you, Lord!

Writings of Becky Pamer adapted throughout and taken from publication of Just Between Us, Winter, 2014 magazine, article entitled, "How to Survive the Church"