Living Victorious & Free

"Can't catch a break
You've had your fill of old cliches
Like 'life is hard, but God is good'.

But even though it's true
It won't stop what you're goin' through
I wish that I could say it would.

That he's outside of what you feel
It might not make sense
But one day it will.

There's comin' a day the sun will always shine
He's gonna wipe away every tear from your eyes.
Hold on, my brother
Things are gonna get better
You're gonna smile again
'Cause we win in the end

You're standing still
Life has handed you a bitter pill
Once again you're on your face

You've got questions
Plenty of secret confessions
Wonderin' if you've run out of grace

But he's outside of what you feel
This life is just a moment
But our forever is sealed
Oh yeah

There's comin' a day the sun will always shine
He's gonna wipe away every tear from your eyes.
Hold on, my brother
Things are gonna get better
You're gonna smile again
'Cause we win in the end

-Natalie Grant, "We Win in the End"

A sweet friend with an amazing talent for singing and leading worship recently sang this song one Sunday morning.  She has sung it before, and it has always struck me the beauty of the song itself, but it wasn't until this past Sunday that the words truly hit home.

They resonated in my heart.  God used my friend, this song, and these beautiful words from Natalie Grant to spur continued healing as a reminder of all that I am persevering toward in this journey.

God has used the time since my counseling session for good. Praise for how good the session was & how instrumental it is been in moving me forward in complete healing.  Praise those wise friends God has put in my life to encourage me toward this session, encourage me in my walk with Him, and in praying over ALL things every step of the way.  Oh how I praise God for those dear friends He has placed into my life (you know who you are...may you experience the Holy hug I am sending your way right now!)

The counseling session has left me stronger.  What I love about it is how Truth has been busy replacing the lies.  It has been amazing how God's Truth springs forward from my mind to over-power and squelch the negative thoughts/tendencies.  It's still a journey, and I have my fair share of "short-coming" moments of "forgetfulness," but overall...things are different.  Truth is more prevalent & at the forefront.  It gives me hope and promise that living the abundant life and claiming victory over this season of pain is near an end...and that I will come out, with God's abundant grace & strength, shining brighter, smiling more, and attaining the joy He has for me.  May I truly learn & allow His Truth in Hebrews 12:2 take hold & completely transform me:

"looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."

Jesus KNEW what was ahead.  He knew the great pain.  He was keenly aware of the deep suffering He would soon be enduring.  Yet, He accepted this journey, this will of His Father's, and He moved forward into the pain in joy.  His eyes were on His Father and the victory to come in the end.  

May my eyes and heart be so focused.  May I keep my eyes fixed on Jesus, enduring whatever comes my way, rising to the pain, the heart-ache, the pitfalls, with a sense of joy as a servant of Christ, following in His way, in His plan, and in His will.

But, may I do so knowing the depth of His intimate love for me.  I long to grow in my intimacy with Him.  Moving all this "head" knowledge and truly allowing it to soak into my heart and flow out into the life I live.  

I have recently been introduced to a new hero.  Many of you know what a HUGE, (I mean fanatically HUGE) college football fan I am...I live for the fall and the start of a new football season!  However, outside the scope of the Big 12 (and my dear Texas Tech Red Raiders), this mother of 3 rarely focuses on many of the other teams or their players.

Until recently, that is.  I was just introduced to Eric LeGrand the other night, via a story about him in the inspirational magazing Guidepost.   LeGrand played with the Rutgers that season in 2010.  A tragic accident that October would change his young life forever.  It was during the game between the Rutgers vs Army in that Eric  fractured his C3 & C4 vertebrae in a collision with another player.  It left him paralyzed from the neck down and doctors estimated that Eric had less than a 5% chance of regaining any motor function--much less be able to walk again.  

Where is Eric now?  Making progress and living a MIRACLE.  He has kept his eyes focused on Christ, praying Psalm 23 with his aunt during the initial & most critical moments of his recovery.  He saw victories he could claim, bit by bit, with belief and trust in His Lord that it would be possible.  Doctors, family, & Eric were all left over-joyed over the healing that was occurring through the many months Eric was hospitalized and in rehab.  First he became determined to get off the ventilator (which in the first months following the accident, both the ventilator and feeding tube were all that were keeping him alive).  Doctors said he'd never breathe again on his own.  The noise of the machines kept Eric up, and he lay there at night wondering if he'd survive.  Finally, though, Eric convinced the doctors to let him try to breathe without it.  They told him he wouldn't last more than a few minutes.  The joy of it all was that, the first time he came off the ventilator, he lasted an hour and a half.  It was at that moment that Eric knew that there was a plan for this entire accident and journey to recovery.

The miracles Eric experienced next were not "parting-of-the-Red-Sea-huge", but no less significant.  They allowed Eric to see the progress and encourage his deep belief in miracles and the Lord at work in his life.  He truly, deeply, and without reservation, believes that everything happens for a reason, and has inspired me in my own personal belief.  

Eric's message that motivates me even further?!?  His voicemail message:

"This is Eric LeGrand.  I want to leave you with a quick message before you go.  Never take anything for granted.  Each day is a gift.  It is a prize of its own.  You have to go out there and receive it & enjoy it to the best of your abilities.  That's what I do every day of my life.  And always remember:  Believe."

(above story adapted from Guideposts, January, 2013,"To Walk Again," by Adam Hunter, Senior Editor)

Eric's life exemplifies Romans 8:37 for me:

"In all these things we are more than conquerors, through Him who loved us."

I long to exemplify that same lifestyle, focus, and perseverance.   I desire to conquer.  I yearn for victorious living, "living outside what I feel", and following hard, with my soul, after Him (Psalm 63:8a)

Grow my trust in You more, Oh Lord, and decrease my distrust of fellow man.  Focus my eyes solely on You, and less on what man thinks of me.  Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings (Psalm 17:8). May I see more clearly how You see me, & may I believe, as I get lost in intimacy in You.  

Amen.

Broken Vessel: A Prayer Along This Journey to Wholeness

"I waited patiently for the Lord;
    he turned to me and heard my cry.  

 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
    out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. 

 He put a new song in my mouth,
    a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the Lord
    and put their trust in him."

Psalm 40:1-3 

Two years...we are nearly upon the two year anniversary of our move into, what one friend has continually coined as, our "Promised Land."  There is truth in that analogy...this location and this community truly are a Promised Land for Rob and myself.  God is good...He is very good.

However, with this anniversary, I am also mindful of how I haven't fully embraced our Promised Land.  You see, I continue to be stuck.  I continue to wrestle with past hurts, past grief, past pain.  It is inhibiting me from fully moving forward, embracing this Promised Land, and embracing all God has for me and His blessed child.  For the past two years I have asked myself, "How does one move forward (& embrace new ministry) when one is still hurting and grieving so deeply (over past ministry &/or broken relationships)?"  I have come to realize it boils down to one thing:

Trust

Even in my strides to move forward, I encounter pain.  This sets me back to continuing to ask the above question, when I find myself right back at Ground Zero.  The grief comes back to surface.  The distrust of the human race resurfaces.  The despair over our depravity and the pain it incurs cuts deeply.  How does one move forward when the wound never seems to fully heal, because people continue being their sinful selves and hurting/manipulation/pride/etc continues to be so rampant, even amongst Christians?

Forgiveness

Yes, I have forgiven the one who hurt me so deeply.  I forgave her, yet I still find myself wrestling with not understanding that loss of a friendship or what went wrong.  I wrestle with letting go of shared memories, of the hurt & pain caused by her lies and manipulation, and of the despair I felt in wondering if I loved her well through it all.  I wrestle with the rejection of friendship, & the hurt and pain rejection always brings.  I wrestle with trust issues...trusting others with my heart, trusting others in friendship.  It was recently shared in a sermon how, "In being vulnerable & giving of oneself to others, as well as equally having others' vulnerability reciprocated, it is guaranteed that there will be pain." (Joey Parsons, sermon from Acts 20:28-38)  And this is where I am stuck...the pain that continues to be encountered upon being vulnerable.  

These below words I recently read struck me deeply, as my heart & soul resonated with them completely:

 

·         “The devastation that a woman can feel at the demise of a soul mate friendship is akin to the pain of a divorce.”  Lillian Rubin, psychotherapist.  We need to acknowledge that pain is real.  God wired us to be relational, and the side effect to that is pain when those relationships go sour."  (The Friendships of Women, Dee Brestin, Ch 1)

I have come to realize that I have needed this time to grieve deeply the real pain I encountered over the loss of a soul-mate friendship.  But, two years?!? I am truly ready to move forward!  However the ramifications of this total rejection and demise of friendship has left me broken, cracked, not trusting, and quite lonely.  You see, I am also guilty of self-preservation these past couple of years, even while living in our Promised Land.  I have walked around with a mask on, on the outside smiling & sharing of myself (to an extent), while on the inside hurting deeply...yearning to trust and allow myself vulnerability in friendship (and others seeing the real me), however often “pulling in like a turtle.” I have striven, these past two years, to take those faithful steps forward in revealing myself yet, just as Joey Parson's quote above reminds us, I have found myself hurt due to others' actions, words, criticisms, etc. "Pulling in like a turtle" makes for a life that is cold, dark, and lonely.  And, with the title "Pastor's Wife," I find myself even more lonely, as it is even more difficult to make friendships that move to that level of vulnerability & depth I crave & yearn for.  There are just so many preconceived notions around that title, "Pastor's Wife" that it makes it so hard to push past instinct and stick my head out on a regular basis.  How does one find the strength and continued courage to trust, and stick one's head out?

I know that much of this journey is God calling me to a deeper, more intimate relationship with Him, and that much of my trust issues can be (and will be) given over & healed by Him.  My mind knows that...it's the action itself and courage it takes to move it from the mind to the heart, to living it out in faith. Therein lies the struggle.  I know that we are not made to be independent, but dependent upon our Lord.  I know that we are made to drink from a well and be replenished...that well being the Holy Spirit...and that this all leads to the Good Life Jesus invites us to & has for us.  But, believing and taking action are so hard in light of living in this world and witnessing the depravity around us.  That should drive me more quickly and deeply to Him, but alas, I confess, I am stuck in this pit of despair.

I long to climb out.  I long to be free.  I long to live in Him, His strength, His Spirit, with eyes completely focused on Him and His goodness.  I cling to Psalm 40.  I am beginning to see how this entire journey is exposing how fundamentally I am unable to do this Good Life by myself (thank you, again, Joey Parsons, for those words from your sermon).  If I want the Good Life, I need to consume Jesus, and consume Him daily, hourly, minute-by-minute.  

As I move into this week, this week that I pray is a "moving forward" week with an upcoming intensive counseling session, I pray that my heart will allow God to pull me from this miry pit & that I can truly let go and move forward completely, embracing ALL He has for me here in this Promised Land. How I pray these words below, from Hillsong's Broken Vessels, seeking to find freedom in Him, to be brought into wholeness through His mercy & grace:

All these pieces
Broken and scattered
In mercy gathered
Mended and whole
Empty handed
But not forsaken
I've been set free
I've been set free

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost
But now I'm found
Was blind but now I see

Oh I can see it now
Oh I can see the love in Your eyes
Laying yourself down
Raising up the broken to life

 

You take our failure
You take our weakness
You set Your treasure
In jars of clay
So take this heart, Lord
I'll be Your vessel
The world to see
Your love in me

 Thank you for your prayers over me this week as I strive to embrace this journey to wholeness, in His strength.