Broken Vessel: A Prayer Along This Journey to Wholeness

"I waited patiently for the Lord;
    he turned to me and heard my cry.  

 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
    out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. 

 He put a new song in my mouth,
    a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the Lord
    and put their trust in him."

Psalm 40:1-3 

Two years...we are nearly upon the two year anniversary of our move into, what one friend has continually coined as, our "Promised Land."  There is truth in that analogy...this location and this community truly are a Promised Land for Rob and myself.  God is good...He is very good.

However, with this anniversary, I am also mindful of how I haven't fully embraced our Promised Land.  You see, I continue to be stuck.  I continue to wrestle with past hurts, past grief, past pain.  It is inhibiting me from fully moving forward, embracing this Promised Land, and embracing all God has for me and His blessed child.  For the past two years I have asked myself, "How does one move forward (& embrace new ministry) when one is still hurting and grieving so deeply (over past ministry &/or broken relationships)?"  I have come to realize it boils down to one thing:

Trust

Even in my strides to move forward, I encounter pain.  This sets me back to continuing to ask the above question, when I find myself right back at Ground Zero.  The grief comes back to surface.  The distrust of the human race resurfaces.  The despair over our depravity and the pain it incurs cuts deeply.  How does one move forward when the wound never seems to fully heal, because people continue being their sinful selves and hurting/manipulation/pride/etc continues to be so rampant, even amongst Christians?

Forgiveness

Yes, I have forgiven the one who hurt me so deeply.  I forgave her, yet I still find myself wrestling with not understanding that loss of a friendship or what went wrong.  I wrestle with letting go of shared memories, of the hurt & pain caused by her lies and manipulation, and of the despair I felt in wondering if I loved her well through it all.  I wrestle with the rejection of friendship, & the hurt and pain rejection always brings.  I wrestle with trust issues...trusting others with my heart, trusting others in friendship.  It was recently shared in a sermon how, "In being vulnerable & giving of oneself to others, as well as equally having others' vulnerability reciprocated, it is guaranteed that there will be pain." (Joey Parsons, sermon from Acts 20:28-38)  And this is where I am stuck...the pain that continues to be encountered upon being vulnerable.  

These below words I recently read struck me deeply, as my heart & soul resonated with them completely:

 

·         “The devastation that a woman can feel at the demise of a soul mate friendship is akin to the pain of a divorce.”  Lillian Rubin, psychotherapist.  We need to acknowledge that pain is real.  God wired us to be relational, and the side effect to that is pain when those relationships go sour."  (The Friendships of Women, Dee Brestin, Ch 1)

I have come to realize that I have needed this time to grieve deeply the real pain I encountered over the loss of a soul-mate friendship.  But, two years?!? I am truly ready to move forward!  However the ramifications of this total rejection and demise of friendship has left me broken, cracked, not trusting, and quite lonely.  You see, I am also guilty of self-preservation these past couple of years, even while living in our Promised Land.  I have walked around with a mask on, on the outside smiling & sharing of myself (to an extent), while on the inside hurting deeply...yearning to trust and allow myself vulnerability in friendship (and others seeing the real me), however often “pulling in like a turtle.” I have striven, these past two years, to take those faithful steps forward in revealing myself yet, just as Joey Parson's quote above reminds us, I have found myself hurt due to others' actions, words, criticisms, etc. "Pulling in like a turtle" makes for a life that is cold, dark, and lonely.  And, with the title "Pastor's Wife," I find myself even more lonely, as it is even more difficult to make friendships that move to that level of vulnerability & depth I crave & yearn for.  There are just so many preconceived notions around that title, "Pastor's Wife" that it makes it so hard to push past instinct and stick my head out on a regular basis.  How does one find the strength and continued courage to trust, and stick one's head out?

I know that much of this journey is God calling me to a deeper, more intimate relationship with Him, and that much of my trust issues can be (and will be) given over & healed by Him.  My mind knows that...it's the action itself and courage it takes to move it from the mind to the heart, to living it out in faith. Therein lies the struggle.  I know that we are not made to be independent, but dependent upon our Lord.  I know that we are made to drink from a well and be replenished...that well being the Holy Spirit...and that this all leads to the Good Life Jesus invites us to & has for us.  But, believing and taking action are so hard in light of living in this world and witnessing the depravity around us.  That should drive me more quickly and deeply to Him, but alas, I confess, I am stuck in this pit of despair.

I long to climb out.  I long to be free.  I long to live in Him, His strength, His Spirit, with eyes completely focused on Him and His goodness.  I cling to Psalm 40.  I am beginning to see how this entire journey is exposing how fundamentally I am unable to do this Good Life by myself (thank you, again, Joey Parsons, for those words from your sermon).  If I want the Good Life, I need to consume Jesus, and consume Him daily, hourly, minute-by-minute.  

As I move into this week, this week that I pray is a "moving forward" week with an upcoming intensive counseling session, I pray that my heart will allow God to pull me from this miry pit & that I can truly let go and move forward completely, embracing ALL He has for me here in this Promised Land. How I pray these words below, from Hillsong's Broken Vessels, seeking to find freedom in Him, to be brought into wholeness through His mercy & grace:

All these pieces
Broken and scattered
In mercy gathered
Mended and whole
Empty handed
But not forsaken
I've been set free
I've been set free

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost
But now I'm found
Was blind but now I see

Oh I can see it now
Oh I can see the love in Your eyes
Laying yourself down
Raising up the broken to life

 

You take our failure
You take our weakness
You set Your treasure
In jars of clay
So take this heart, Lord
I'll be Your vessel
The world to see
Your love in me

 Thank you for your prayers over me this week as I strive to embrace this journey to wholeness, in His strength.